Pregnancy, beautifully raw and unedited

It has been a while since I have blogged, and figure this is a great place to resume. As a Chiropractor, I trust in nature, I trust in the innate intelligence within us and within all things, and I trust in the process of creating new life.

I knew the moment I got pregnant. Sean and I set an intention and it worked, without a glitch. First try! Since I knew (without yet getting a pee-test confirmation), I payed close attention to the minute changes and processes which were already taking place within.

I started sensing my uterus and its ligaments, blood flow and vital energy shifting in order to prepare for the new little life that was implanted. I was more fatigued, holding a bit of excess water, and my breasts were tender and swollen.

Now, I also know that the mind is powerful, and thoughts become manifest, so I had a few moments where I was thinking "maybe I just THINK I am pregnant, and my body is responding to my thoughts". This does happen. If we think happy thoughts, we feel good in our bodies, as our physiology, hormones and nervous system responds. So, perhaps this was what was going on. But then that thought ceased. I just knew.

I had a few moments where my cheeks would flush and get very hot, and moments of nausea early on (mind you, this was all within a 1-2 weeks after I knew I conceived). These sensations were very different from the usual mid-late cycle sensations and signals that I usually receive, so I knew something was up. My hormones were shifting, my blood flow was being shunted to my uterus to create a placenta, and my body was preparing to do whatever it needed to protect the little life growing inside.

When I took the pee test, it literally gave me a plus sign the second my urine hit the stick. No Joke. Totally pregnant. Like I needed a pee stick to tell me that :)

WOW. It really does work! Set the intention, move in the direction of that intention, and poof! Things are created. Just like that. How magical. We didn't expect I would get pregnant so fast... Then again, we really did. Sean was elated, a little shell shocked, excited, and full of tears when I told him. I wrapped the little pee stick up with wrapping paper and a bow with a little note that said "you have GREAT swimmers!" Figured with him, a little humor and thought go a long way :)

So along the way, lots of thoughts, emotions, and sensations began occurring. I had thoughts about the fact that we are not married, and felt for a moment that maybe we should be? But then I thought, wait a second. Lets just enjoy THIS experience, here, and now. Not rush into marriage because it is the NORMAL thing to do. I don't think I am entirely normal anyway. Chiropractors are a little wacky, as most people know, and I have always done things just a little different, which I am happy about. So, when we do get married (a year, 10 years, 50 years from now), it will be a magical, sparkly party to celebrate our union as a FAMILY, including Sean's daughter Shayla, our parents and siblings and friends. That is the kind of marriage I want. (plus I want to be able to drink Champagne)

I found myself within the 2nd month going into a bit of survival mode. I tend to spend energy focusing on the collective whole, the oneness that flows within all of us, the trees, the oceans, the planets and beyond. This is how I feel connected, safe and loved. However, something extravagant happens when you are growing another life; you tend to go deep inside yourself and can sometimes feel completely disconnected from everything and everyone else. All the stuff that you have worked on for years comes back full force, and is right in front of you, making you feel scared. I would have strong thoughts; 'how can I make this baby feel safe in the world? How is this all going to play out? What is my new role as a mother, and not just Kacie, who has always been super independent?'. My amazing coach and mentor Tom Preston would say in those moments I 'push too much masculine energy', wanting control, answers, and to just survive. Pregnancy is a time to be ultra feminine...nurturing, intuitive, emotional. Oh, yes, I have had bouts of strong emotions that many times end in tears. But AHHH! how good it feels to release my fears through crying.

I thought after the first month that I was not going to get 'morning sickness'. I follow a healthy lifestyle: Eat a balanced vegetarian diet, exercise, practice yoga, meditate, get regular Chiropractic care, laugh a lot. Come to find out, this has NOTHING to do with whether you get the typical 'sickness' that comes with pregnancy. Cuz I sure did!

Morning sickness (or in my case ALL DAY sickness) needs a new word. Yes, it feels terrible, yes, vomiting 5 times a day and feeling like you have the worst hangover of your life for 3 months is not fun, but it is NOT SICKNESS. My body was doing EXACTLY what it needed to help ensure that my little nugget could develop, grow, and thrive. My body is a temple for this process and it will do what it needs to to keep out anything which may cause harm. My body for this time does not belong to me or my ego. It is here to create life. And sometimes it is hard work. Perhaps it should be called 'expressing primal health during pregnancy'.

During my first trimester I no longer felt like a human with an educated brain that told me that I am an individual, I am a smart, cute, fun loving lady with a knack for laughing at stupid jokes (If you want to feel good about yourself, I will laugh at pretty much anything you say that you feel is funny and other people don't). I felt like an animal. A wolf. My senses were almost super-human, and dictated EVERYTHING in my day. Lights were brighter, sounds were more piercing, my reflexes were lightning fast, and my sense of smell... OH MY GOD. Sean was amazed that during a road trip I could actually smell that the sandwich I had bought that was in the back seat, (wrapped up in paper, then in a box, and then in another paper bag), had fallen slightly apart. It was confirmed. I was a wolf.

It makes 'sense' that this is what needs to happen. I am protecting the most precious of things, a new being that is coming into its own manifestation, right in my belly! This body of mine needs to be aware of EVERYTHING in my environment. If that is not intelligent and divine design, I don't know what is!!

I felt more challenged in those three months than I ever have (at least it felt like it at the time). And in those moments when it was everything I could do not to vomit from the smell of scrambled eggs, perfume, salad dressing, toothpaste, peoples' breath, this tree in my front yard, whatever...I gave reverence to my body, and acknowledged the magic of the process. It is not easy for the little seedling to push its way through the soil, or for the earth to push its way into a giant mountain. Yet this is the process of life... challenging and brilliant. And totally worth the sacrifice.

During this time, my body was not wanting prenatal vitamins. Again, I trust my body's messages, and despite the millions of opinions about what the 'right' things are to do in pregnancy, our bodies innate intelligence knows more than our educated minds, and for me, that is primary. I would vomit every time a prenatal vitamin hit my stomach. My body clearly didn't want it, and I was not about to force it just because some article states that you have to take massive amounts through your whole pregnancy. My body liked macaroni and cheese. Protein, fat and carbs. All the building blocks a growing baby needs :)

Month 4 came along, and poof! I felt like a rockstar! The vomiting ceased, and I started to show a little pooch, which was nice confirmation, that yes.. all of that was for a little growing bean inside. I started exercising again and doing yoga, yet my body told me what it needed and how much, I was not going to push beyond its messages. I started eating like I normally would except with a bit more consciousness, since I was able to focus on that. I do know that healthy food equals a healthy body and baby, so became focused on nutrition. My body craved healthy foods, especially green veggies! I was able to start taking prenatal vitamins and my body and my baby accepted them with ease and gratitude. My energy increased, and my belly really started growing!

In the 4th month, I started to feel the first signs of movement.. little flutters and pokes from the inside. If you have felt this before, you know that this is the single most magical sensation you can have. WOW. a LIFE growing inside my body. Separate from me, yet part of me. A being of light created from Sean and I, yet taking on a manifested form and life of its own. So weird, and so foreign, yet, so FAMILIAR. It is in the moments when I am connecting with my baby and I feel it move, that I feel the primitive ancient nature of what a womans' body is capable of and created for. It is a new feeling, but feels like I have done this for eons of time.

I am just starting my 5th month, and my uterus is rapidly growing to accomodate the growth of my little one. I am feeling healthy as can be, and am noticing the modifications in my normal movements and positions than I need to shift to in order to adapt to my changing body. As a Chiropractor, this is most apparent when I am adjusting. I must shift my center and use focused form and awareness while adjusting. This keeps me very present.

I have thought about my birth plan, and have an awesome midwife, as I am planning for a home birth. I am healthy, and therefore I have opted out of many of the 'standard' pre and post natal care options as I trust in the natural process of pregnancy and birth. No ultrasounds, no finding out the gender before birth, no genetic testing, no amniocentesis, I have no OBGYN, no constant fetal monitoring, no cutting the cord until it stops pulsing, and will be dehydrating my placenta so I can consume it after the birth in capsule form (the title of this post is "raw and unedited"...) and will not be vaccinating or circumcising (if it is a boy). That being said, I do realize that things can occur in the birth process, and my midwife is very versed, educated, and practiced in handling many things that may arise. I do have myself registered at a local hospital in case of an emergency, but will not step foot inside the hospital unless there is a need.

Pregnancy, giving birth, and motherhood are sacrifices. And that does not mean that something needs to be taken away from me in order to have another. It means willingly offering something of myself in order to receive something else. To receive a CHILD! I have chosen to honor this experience in all its hardships and glory, and trust in the process. The process is transformative, and I can't imagine doing it any other way :)

loves

Kacie